Cold Comfort
Daddy’s With the Alien’s Now
Mexican Hotel
Lizard Lady
Mongolian Death Worm
My Sister Married a Bigfoot
(Takin’ the) Phone Off the Hook
Secret Ponytail
She’s in Love with the Loveland Frogman
Toilet in My Heart
Well, she said she’d always love me
and in time I’d understand
that it just wasn’t meant to be
and I just couldn’t be her man.
So I said, “well, shit,
that’s some cold comfort, isn’t it?”
Verse 1:
The mountains on the can are just as blue as I am
and they’re half as cold as you are
so I swung them swingin’ doors that I was searchin’ for
the neon warmth of the bar, and
Chorus:
Cold comfort
Cold comfort
Cold comfort in a can
Cold comfort
Cold comfort
Warms me wherever I am
Verse 2:
Rocky Mountain waters had a bright and bubbly daughter
and she’s far sweeter than you
colder than a Siberian or an icy-eyed librarian
honey, I think I’ll have a brew…of
[Chorus]
Bridge:
Raise your hand up high
baby, why oh why did you go?
Raise your hands up high
baby, close your eyes and feel the sun glow
because…
[Verse 1]
[Chorus]
Daddy’s with the Aliens Now
Verse 1:
There was a glowin’ outside my window
I’d seen it here before
I’d seen that fiery ball of light
and I heard them engines roar
I knew deep down just what it was
and what it came here for
so I jumped outta bed and I run right out the door
Verse 2:
I fumbled with the doorknob
as I stood outside his room
I cried out to my daddy
I said, “Daddy, it’s too soon!”
and as the door swung open
I saw him float away
aliens took my daddy from me that day
Chorus:
And now I know that when we die
we’re taken to a spaceship in the sky
where the aliens conduct a series of tests
Lord knows what they’re trying to assess
But I know they use our bodies to fuel their ships
and since they’re intergalactic spaceships
it takes an awful lot of fuel just to get by
and that means a lot of people gotta die
Verse 3:
When I woke up the next morning
saw that he was truly gone
I looked out of his window
at the black spots on the lawn
and as I gazed around the room
I noticed something on the bed
there was a note there
and this is what it read:
Spoken:
Son, I know you’re sad your daddy’s dead.
but Son, do you remember all the things your daddy said?
When you were just a boy, I sat you down on my knee
and told you how the aliens were after me.
Well, over the years I’ve learned alot about the nature of existence.
I’ve come to terms with my mortality and so offered no resistance
when the aliens came asking if they could take my body away
to fuel their spaceship for just one more day.
[Chorus]
I miss you, Daddy
Mexican Hotel
Verse 1:
I was at a hotel in Mexico
when the news came on the air
they were bombing the country that I used to call home
I couldn’t muster the gumption to care
Sippin’ margaritas, serenading senoritas
by the hotel pool all day
as the bombs rained down on the good old US of A
Chorus 1:
At this hotel in Mexico
they’ve got a color TV
where I can watch my telenovelas
there’s never been better
a place to be
Yes, at this hotel in Mexico
they’ve got a fully stocked bar
and you can hear the ocean
crashing on the shore
no matter where you are
Verse 2:
I asked the bartender what he thought of the weather
and he looked me in the eye
“bombas sobre Estados Unidos,
have you lost your goddamn mind?”
I came for the weekend
wasn’t sure what I was seeking
but I knew I’d find it here
the list of amenities
I’ve done gone to heaven, see,
I’m happy to stay right here
Chorus 2:
At this hotel in Mexico
they’ve got a color TV
where I can watch lucha libre
eating plates of ceviche
by the side of the sea
yes, at this hotel in Mexico
I play a 5-string guitar
I hope that you are doing well
no matter where you are
Bridge:
Turn it off channel two
so long, US of A
I wanna write a review
cuz I’ve been blown away
Outro:
by this hotel in Mexico
yes, this hotel in Mexico
(x2)
Lizard Lady
Verse 1:
Well, she’s smarter than me and she knows it
and she stands about 10 feet tall
but when she’s mowing the lawn with her Person suit on
you really wouldn’t notice at all
When the sun is up, she’s all business
in her office way down town
but when the moon comes out,
the suit comes off
and you know where I’ll be found
Chorus 1:
Layin’ low with my Lizard Lady
you can call me weird, you can call me crazy
she’s a Repltilian in a million to me
and she might be the mayor of this got-dang town
but she and me we’re gonna settle down
layin’ low, my Lizard Lady and me
Verse 2:
See her over there, taking off her hair
and staring off into space
telepathic rays are just one of the ways
she keeps in touch with the rest of her race
Down at City Hall, she can slay ’em all
with her death-ray and her wit
you might say that I have lost my way
but that don’t bother me a bit, cuz I’m…
Chorus 2:
Layin’ low with my Lizard Lady
you can call me weird, you can call me crazy
she’s a Repltilian in a million to me
and she might be the mayor of this got-dang town
and she’s got plans to burn it down
layin’ low, my Lizard Lady and me
Layin’ low with my Lizard Lady
(x4)
The Mongolian Death Worm
Chorus:
The Mongolian Death Worm
slithers into my dreams
it’s the most terrifying worm
that I’ve ever seen
The Mongolian Death Worm
has neither arm nor leg
and to merely touch it means instant death
they say
Verse 1:
Band: Now, Hoyt. What does it look like?
Hoyt: You don’t wanna know!
Band: Hoyt, if we didn’t wanna know, then why the hell’d we ask?
Hoyt: Let’s get on with the show…
Shaped like a sausage, two feet long
not very big, but it sure is strong
careful he’ll attract you like a moth to flame
now you know his name…
[Chorus]
Verse 2:
Band: OK, Hoyt. Well, what’s it smell like?
Hoyt: You REALLY don’t wanna know!
Band: We’ve already been over this, Hoyt
Hoyt: Let’s get on with the show…
Smells like a sewer pipe, open down wind
plug up your nostrills but it still gets in
your eyes will water, your throat’s inflamed
now you know his name…
[Chorus]
Hoyt: and this is what it sounds like:
[solo]
Verse 3:
Band: Hey, Hoyt! What does it feel like?
Hoyt: Brother, I don’t know!
Band: Maybe you should touch it Hoyt
Hoyt: Guess I could touch it with the tip of my toe
Band: Do it, Hoyt! Hoyt, do it! Touch it! Touch the worm, Hoyt!
Hoyt: It feels li—-
My Sister Married a Bigfoot
Verse 1:
An hour from Tacoma, we saw him on the shore
I thought we shoulda headed back but my sister wanted more
We followed him for hours, til the moon was on the rise
then he stopped outside his humble home and he looked into her eyes
Verse 2:
My sister walked up to him and he grabbed her little hand
I say “little” here, well, because HIS were the size of Christmas hams
She told me not to fear him, then I followed them inside
and what I saw before me, I thought I’d lost my mind
Verse 3:
There was an altar on the hearthstones and lilies by the score
and in the corner, a tall white cake, I wondered what it was for
My sister walked up to me and said, “brother, have a glass of wine!”
then my sister married a bigfoot and now he’s a friend of mine
Chorus:
When my sister married a bigfoot, I thought she’d lost her mind
I mean he’s hairy, he’s scary, and I’d be weary if he wasn’t just so damn kind
we used to fuss, we used to fight, but now we see eye to eye
my sister married a bigfoot and now he’s a friend of mine
[solo]
[Chorus]
(Takin’ the) Phone Off the Hook
Verse 1:
I could call you on the phone
but you wouldn’t leave me alone
so I’m takin the phone off the hook
I don’t know where we went wrong
so I’m writin down this song
and I’m takin the phone off the hook
Chorus:
The fruit of our love fell off the tree
and it’s rotting on the ground
listen to the wind blowin through the trees
can you hear that lonesome sound
Yeah, I could call you on the phone,
but then you wouldn’t leave me alone
so I’m takin the phone off the Hook
[Verse 2:
Poured myself a nice hot bath
one more smoke and one last laugh
I’m takin the phone off the Hook
I popped that last balloon,
hell, I even licked the spoon
I’m takin the phone off the hook
[Chorus]
Secret Ponytail
Chorus:
I’ve got a secret ponytail
I let it loose and I raise some hell
Once the pony’s loose
I might be callin you to go my bail
All week long I’m straight as a nail
deliverin letters for the US Mail
but once the weekend hits,
I’m lettin loose my secret Ponytail
Verse 1:
My boss at the USPS
won’t cut me any slack
and it’s hard deliverin packages
with that monkey on my back
I smile and I shake his hand
but I truly hate that man
he’s rude, he’s crude, he’s a no-good dude
I hope you understand
[Chorus]
Verse 2:
When I’m out slingin packages
aimin for your welcome mat
don’t wanna push my luck,
so I keep it tucked
underneath my standard issue cap
But brother, that ain’t me
I wanna exercise my liberty
so I let her run, undo the man-bun
and set that pony free
[Chorus]
She’s In Love With the Loveland Frogman
Chorus:
She’s in love with the Loveland Frogman
She’s in love and the Frogman’s her man
She’s in love with the Loveland Frogman
Her daddy doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t give a damn
Verse 1:
When she first laid eyes on the frogman
he was pickin in a bar downtown
shufflin through all the tunes that he knew
wearin a pin-striped suit and a scowl
When the band was done he walked through the crowd
and he saw her standing there
he said, “could you ever be with a frog like me?
I wanna take you everywhere”
[Chorus]
Verse 2:
She said, “you’re quite the fiddle,
and you know I pick a mean guitar.
I betcha we could make some pretty music
in the backseat of my car.
Why don’t you come on home with me
together we can form a band
you can play all those double-stops
with the webbing on your hands
[Chorus]
Toilet In My Heart
Chorus:
Your lovin is a plunger
to the toilet in my Heart
and that sucker’s been clogged
since the day we fell apart
I been pushin and a-pullin
tryin to get the juices flowin
your lovin is a plunger
to the toilet in my heart
Bridge:
Get out my love snake
cram it down the drain
wiggle it around until I go insane
This clog of loneliness
won’t break free
I’m cryin for you baby and I’m down on my knees!
[Chorus]
[Solo]
[Bridge]
[Chorus]